my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
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