I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
