So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
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