he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
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