He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
