When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
