After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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