i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Randomize