Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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