My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
We have started to decorate penises.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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