in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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