it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
