Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Someone came in the potted fern
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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