mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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