Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
