I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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