none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
