I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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