I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
He called his prostate his "boner button".
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
