i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Randomize