your thong is hanging out like whoa
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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