she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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