Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
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