my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize