I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize