Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
accomplished twins. life is a go
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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