This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
