did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
home. puking in laundry basket.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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