Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
