were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
