i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
