i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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