Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Just invented taco cereal.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
So much Jack, so little girl.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
