I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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