I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
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