this is amy. the small petlike person from the womens bathroom at the reef.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Randomize
