I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
