chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Randomize
