I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
