sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Randomize
