thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize