I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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