I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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