I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
