I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
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