apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Randomize
