sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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