Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Randomize
