1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I just gift wrapped bread.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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