I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Randomize
