So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
