Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Randomize
