just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize