I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
