I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
