i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Randomize
