she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
