HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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