Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
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